Mission Jet Lag

It's been a month since I've started my journey back home. I say started because I still feel like I'm traveling. 
Those last few weeks in the mission field are like one big roller coaster, up and down and all around.
 "I love being a missionary! I'm never going home" to "I can't wait to sleep in". 
Those first few weeks of coming home are quite similar. 
"Taylor Swift all day long baby" to "I miss Italy"

Sitting on the plane in Rome I experienced this new feeling. I was sad. But not in a bad way. The sadness I am accustomed to comes when bad things happen; if something bad happens, if I am disappointed, or when my feelings are hurt. But this sad feeling swept over all of me. It hit me right in my soul.
I was sad because it was over. Just like that. I was sad because I knew deep down inside of me that I would probably never see these people again; that those relationships we had created would not stay the same.
I was sad because nobody could ever understand the depth of my experience. 

While waiting for the plane to take off I was talking with the man to my side. We talked about God. We talked about Mormons. We laughed a little and small talked about his family and mine.
As the plane started down the runway, my heart started to take off just as fast as the plane. It was really over. And when those wheels left that precious Italian ground I knew that I had left a part of my heart down there.
The tears came and came. And I tried so hard not to disturb the nice man sitting next to me. He would really start thinking that those Mormons are crazy!
Unfortunately I didn't do so well at hiding my sobs and the man looked over and said "It's okay. You'll come back". And the most I could do was give a half smile and nod, all the while thinking "YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I AM LEAVING BEHIND HERE!".
I'm leaving behind a whole life. That's what it feels like. I walked away from my old life 18 months ago. I walked away with two large suitcases and a carry on full of skirts and scriptures. And I left it all behind! I left my family and my friends, school, music, hobbies, me. And I went to a whole different country with different food and a different culture, a different language and a different way of life. I gained a new family and new friends and I found other hobbies and learned new things! And I walked onto that plane 18 long/short months later a different person.
I left the old Kaeli behind and traded her in for a black name tag that shared the name of Jesus Christ on it. And I gave myself to Him. I gave my whole heart, might, mind, and strength to the Lord. And he made me a different person. 

When we landed in Arizona I was really nervous to see my family! I was afraid that it would be awkward. But...it wasnt! My parents cried. My brothers laughed at how I am still shorter than them. We took lots of pictures. I was happy. But I was still feeling....sad. But I tried hard to be happy for my family... for my mom.
A not so small miracle was that I was able to see my brother Trayser for a few short hours! He was called to serve in the Spain Malaga Mission the same day that I was reporting home. His visa didn't come before his date to report so instead of flying all the was to Spain on October 28th, I got to see my brother for 12 hours before he entered the Provo Missionary Training Center.
After we sent Trayser off the next morning we spent the day in the valley. We saw Meet the Mormons! So good! I wanted to cry!
We spent one more night in the valley and it was perfect! I was able to see my family, I was able to (try to) sleep in. I ate my long dreamed of mexican food. All the while I kept that black name tag pinned over my heart. 

When we got to the stake president's office to be released, it hit me again. I can't just take a 3 day missionary break and then hop back on a plane to Rome.
We talked about my mission. I cried. My family cried.
Then he asked me to take off my name tag. And it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 

Fast forward a month and I've been working like crazy! I've dusted off the Canon 60D and have had so many people trust me enough to take their family pictures! I have a full time job answering phones at an office. The Lord sure has been good to me. 

I've taken the long awaited trip to the temple. And it meant so much more after a year an half.
I've caught up with old friends and skyped with the new ones in Italy.
I listened to the new Taylor Swift album every day.
The Lord has given me opportunities to be a missionary here at home and it's so fun going out with the Sisters and finally getting to know what it is like to be a missionary in America!
I've strengthened my relationship with my family.
I was able to see my Aunt and Uncle be sealed in the temple.
I got a letter in the mail from Francesco; a 90 year old Italian lover.
I went to the library today and checked out a book about Politics. I think it's time I figure these things out. 

My heart still breaks a little when I think too hard about Italy and my mission. Sometimes I cry when nobody is looking.
I've tried really hard to eat ice cream and I think I've convinced myself that it is still pretty good stuff.
I made real Italian ragu and everyone was so surprised when I told them I put carrots in it.
If anyone asks me to tell a story from my mission, it is guaranteed that I am going to cry.
I'm getting used to introducing myself as Kaeli instead of Sorella Wiltbank. But I still keep that dirty black name tag in my bad, just to remind myself of my true identity.
I still have no clue how to use the iPhone that my brother passed on to me.
I have to catch myself responding to people saying "boh" or "va bene".
I'm still trying to figure out how to effectively study my scriptures and how to effectively keep up with my Italian. Sometimes when I get really mission sick I watch The Restoration in Italian.
Boys fine me awkward. I find boys awkward. 

I'm still getting over the missionary jet lag. It's a slow process. It's exciting! And it's scary! And it's stressful! And it's crazy!
But it's life! And I can say that my 18 month mission changed it. In ways that I will probably never even fully understand.
God is real. Jesus Christ still lives.
I love Thanksgiving and the start of Christmas!
And those are all facts. 

Vi voglio bene!
Sorella   Wiltbank
           ^
        Kaeli