The fork in the road.

My heart longs for adventure!
I dream of going back to Italy and roaming the streets with my camera. I want to capture the emotion of the group of old men sitting in the piazza playing cards, their laughs and hand gestures. If you have ever looked into the eyes of a gypsie child, you know that they have a special look; even through their dirty rough faces, you can see they are longing for something. I want to go to a pizzeria and catch a beautiful action shot of the dough in the air or the bright tomato sauce being artistically painted on the crust.
I want to live on the beach for a month.
I want to take an internship on the east coast and live there for a year or so.
I want to go to Africa and dress up in a beautiful African gown and dance the night away!
I want to take a risk and drop out of school and take pictures full time.
I don't want to stay in a place too long, I love the idea of changing things up every 3 years or so.
And you can't forget the classics, skydiving, bungee jumping, white water rafting, etc.

But my heart also longs for stability.
I want to fall in love and get married.
I want to be a mother and teach my children the beauties in life.
I want to graduate from college. I would like to study in business and photography. But I also want to take random classes on the way; pottery, astrology, and personal finance.
I want to be close to my family and spend time with them.
I want to be part of something amazing, and we all know that amazing things take time.

My heart is torn in two directions; adventure vs. stability. I will let you all know when I decide which way to go.

The Power of Change

      The Bible dictionary defines repentance as “a change of mind, a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world”. This view of repentance gives me a completely different outlook on life in general. I imagine it as piece of art that is hung on the wall in your home; you see it every day and know exactly what is painted on the canvas. One day a friend comes over to visit and points out something new, something you had never noticed before. Suddenly the painting means something different to you. This new view doesn’t take away the meaning you once found, it simply adds to the beauty. Change of perspective is empowering and in order to tap into that power we must learn the importance of communication with ourselves and with others.
      In a speech given by Sherry Turkle she speaks about our society’s great dependence on technology. From breakfast, class, in the car, and even time in the restroom, our phones are sending us little vibrated notifications that let us know that we are remembered by someone somewhere in the world. We have developed this idea of never being alone, even when we are by ourselves. We have created a worldwide support system. But we have also started to lose the beauty in silence; the wonder that is discovered in seclusion.
     You all know how much I love a good train ride. It has become a time for self-reflection and deep pondering. Some of my most inspiring and spiritual moments have been while gazing out the window of a train rolling through the countryside. My mind starts to wonder as I think about life; past, present, and future. I reflect on the lessons that I have learned. I dream about my future and imagine how much potential I have to do something amazing. I have started carrying my journal with me. I write down all of these inspiring thoughts that pass through my mind. Writing in my journal has become a way of conversing with myself, a way that doesn’t make me seem crazy. As I record these words my mind becomes enlightened and I start to see the big picture. Just like that piece of art hanging on my wall, the time I spend writing in my journal is my way of studying the art and discovering the meaning it has to me.
      In the speech mention above, Sherry explains, "You end up isolated if you don't cultivate the capacity for solitude, the ability to be separate, to gather yourself. Solitude is where you find yourself so that you can reach out to other people and form real attachments. When we don't have the capacity for solitude, we turn to other people in order to feel less anxious or in order to feel alive. When this happens, we're not able to appreciate who they are. It's as though we're using them as spare parts to support our fragile sense of self. We slip into thinking that always being connected is going to make us feel less alone. But we're at risk, because actually it's the opposite that's true. If we're not able to be alone, we're going to be more lonely". If we never take the time to realize the beauty of the art for ourselves, we would never fully appreciate the beauty that others find in the same piece.
      So you have studied the picture and you have concluded that there is a duck painted on the canvas hanging on your wall. You have come to realize and appreciate the beauty of this duck, so you have invited a friend over to admire it also. The friend comes in and says “what beautiful rabbit”! They begin to point out the ear on the far left and how the mouth comes out in the far right. After a few minutes of studying you begin to see. You start to see the beauty of the art through another’s eyes and then something amazing happens; it becomes even more beautiful. Your mind starts to be enlightened and your view of the painting that you have studied for months has been forever changed.


     In a speech given at Brigham Young University Amy Jenson said "The best conversations that we have often become moments of private repentance, because it is often during conversations that we change our minds, find a new path, or decide to do better” . Conversations with others are so incredibly crucial in our quest for change. That which we learn from others truly liberates us, setting us free from our own pre-conceived perceptions. We receive lessons that are the guide posts on our journey through repentance. Without the views and opinions of others we would forever be stuck on the side of the road and forced to look at the same tree on the other side of the street; never gaining the opportunity to see the forest a few blocks down.
     The world is full of different perspectives, each bringing something new and incredible to the picture. I’ve learned that if I truly want to understand the different perspectives of the world I must first understand myself. I’ve started to see how destructive technology can be in my life. It not only distracts me when I am with others, but it is also an easy form of personal entertainment, preventing me from letting my mind entertain myself. I’ve made it a personal goal to choose when, where, and how technology can enhance my conversations rather than destroy them.
      Conversations catalyze change. Meaningful conversations with ourselves, paint a beautiful picture; meaningful conversations with others, expand our horizons. Change of perspective is empowering and in order to tap into that power we must learn the importance of communication with ourselves and with others; the combination of which can truly change the world.

Beauty in the Broken Soul

In my eyes, the most beautiful thing that God created were spirits. I wonder how much time it took him. I wonder what sorts of material went into creating something that is so intangible.
I love when people reveal their true spirits. Not only do you see them in a more intimate way, but it's almost like seeing a little piece of God.
This week I have been thinking a lot about how each person has a story to tell. If you pay close enough attention you can read it just by looking at them. You can see in their eyes. You can see it in the way they fidget with their hands. You can see it in their posture and in the way they hang their head; high or low. There are so many emotions that we experience.
I remember many instances as a teenager getting into trouble because I didn't hear something my parents told me. They called it "selective hearing". They would recount to me that they had asked to do the dishes yesterday and I even responded and said "okay", but for some reason I just could not remember ever hearing that!
My mom has a sister that always gets teased because she has a selective memory. All of the sisters will be telling stories; "remember that one time..." and she regularly says "I don't remember that!".
I think sometimes we have selective emotions. We choose to only feel a certain way. For some they battle every sad feeling, medicating it like a disease. There are some that choose to not feel happiness; shooing it away like a pestering cat. But when we do either of the two we are truly missing out on the beauty of life.
Do you remember when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden? There were two different fruits; the forbidden fruit and the fruit of the tree of life. One was bitter and one was sweet. But without one, we could never have truly understood the taste of the other; without the opposition we would be left in a state of innocence. We would never be able to see the beauty of life.
I think there is beauty is tragedy. There is beauty is sadness and heart ache. There is beauty in every broken soul.

Category: The Unknown and The Unexpected

     When I was about 5 years old my family moved out of the small town of Eagar Arizona and relocated about 25 miles north to Richville; the Wiltbank family ranch. I remember at night I would lay in my freshly painted purple room and listen to the sounds outside. In the summer I would listen to the crickets and be so annoyed with their loud chirping. I remember during monsoon season the rain would drip down from the roof and land on the stones beneath my bedroom window; it sounded a lot like horse hooves walking on cement. In the spring after we would round the cows up and brand them I could hear the concerned mother cows mooing for their lost babies. But there is one sound that terrified me! The coyotes; they would howl in the night and it sounded like they were right outside my window. In my over active 5 year old imagination I would picture these big mean dogs and I just knew that they were ready to claw down the door and come and eat me and my family. And it paralyzed me! I was so afraid that I would sing primary songs to calm myself down. Along with coyotes I was afraid of snakes, funerals, teenagers, and the fear of staying young forever (little did I know that I would long to go back to simpler days).

     As I grew older I learned that there is no possible way that a coyote would be able to claw down my door. I learned that they are probably more afraid of us humans than we should be of them. After I learned that, I started to appreciate their late night howling. It became beautiful. 

     These days I have other fears. I have a fear of car wrecks, debt, and cancer. In my 21 year old single college girl mind I fear of being single for life and never having children. I fear that a close family member or friend will pass away unexpectedly. I fear that I have chosen the wrong thing to study and that I will never truly discover my calling in life. I fear that I will never be able to see Taylor Swift in concert because her tickets always sell out too fast. 

    Most of my fears have to do with the future. I fear the unknown and unexpected. I fear things that are out of my control. Sometimes I think so much about these "could be" scenarios that I become paralyzed. I literally stop living in the present and instead live for the fear of the future. I take too long to make decisions and I over analyze everything. People, this is a stressful way of living!

Do you know what fear is? Fear is darkness. Once you have invited it into your life there is no space for the light.  Fear is the absence of faith. 

     "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith" (Ether 12:6).

    I've been thinking a lot about what life would be like without hope. Without the hope that one day I will travel the world and take beautiful photos. Or hope that one day I will hold a beautiful baby in my arms that is all mine. Or the hope that one day I am going to be front row to a Taylor Swift concert. Or hope that I will one day go back to Italy. The hope that one day I will again be with my Father in Heaven. It's beautiful and exciting, the future is. 

    Although I have all of these fears of the future, I also have all of these dreams for the future! Both are categorized under "The Unknown and The Unexpected". The difference of a lifetime is where we decided to live; in fear or in faith? 

The Magic of Trains

I love trains! It all started on my mission in Italy. My first city was on the outskirts of Rome and we often took the train to the city. Our area covered about 40 other small cities so we frequently used the train to transport us on our many adventures.
There is something magical about a train ride. Maybe it's just the hot smelly environment that makes it seem like you are living in a dream.
I love sitting there and watching the beautiful country fly by. I love how the train always takes the back road.
Trains inspire me. My mind tends to wonder when I'm on the train. It makes me think about life.
I love all of the people you can meet on the train. You're stuck in a little area with a complete stranger; they could be a farmer, an engineer, a business man, a single mom. Anyone!
The other day I was on the train and a man was talking to someone across the aisle. He said "All of us are different! We all have different dreams and aspirations, but when it comes down to it, we're all the same"
Life is like a big train. We are all different, we have different dreams and different lives, but we're all on this train together. And we're all headed in the same direction, we are all wanting to arrive at happiness. Some of us get off the train early. Some of us sit anxiously on the train hoping for the ride to be over soon. Sometimes the train is late and there are delays in getting to our destination. Some of us sit on the train and awe in the beauty of the world passing by. It goes by fast; the time. And before you know it, the train ride is over.

You've met different people on the way; people that you may have never chosen to know. Maybe it's fate, maybe it's God.
One week in Rome I was having a particularly hard time. I was feeling discouraged at my lack of ability to speak Italian. We were sitting on the train and I was reading a talk by David A. Bednar called "The Tender Mercies of the Lord". He explains that "the Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ"
At that moment of frustration, sitting on a train in Italy, I said a small prayer and just asked the Lord to send me a tender mercy.
Just then a woman sat down next to me, and in between my little teary snuffles I managed a "Ciao". And this little Italian woman started talking to me. She spoke slowly and clearly and had patience to repeat herself when I told her I didn't understand. She listened to my terrible Italian and tried to understand what I had to say. It was the first time I had a real conversation with an Italian. And it was just what I needed. I needed someone to come and listen to me and I needed someone to speak to me without getting frustrated. And that was my very clear tender mercy from the Lord. He placed that kind Italian woman on the right train, at the right time, in the right seat, just for me. And I'm sure she has no clue what she did! And I'm sure she doesn't even remember me. But I remember her, and that conversation gave me the confidence to keep going and not give up.
(And the fact that my amazing companion took a photo of this moment is a tender mercy in it's own)

 

We're all on this train called life. We're all here together, learning from one another. It's an adventure! A beautiful adventure. Oh the magic of a train ride!

 

Passion vs. Skill

 

       I've been reading a book for a business class titled So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport. The book's main argument is that "skills trump passion in the quest for work you love". If I wouldn't have had to read it for this class I would have thrown it in the trash after the first 10 pages.

Chapter 1: "Don't follow your passion" with a bolded quote on page 6 " 'Follow your passion' might just be terrible advice ".
       Reading what this man had to say literally made me antsy. Like when you are in the middle of an argument about some fiery topic and the other person is just making a fool out of themselves and you just want to stop them before they go any further; but you know the courteous thing to do is to wait your turn and listen to what they have to say. You might be thinking to yourself "Oh, she's THAT girl!" (not saying that I'm not) but this topic is a bit personal for me.
       When I was in middle school I took a photography elective where we learned how to take pictures of flowers and cats. And after 3 months I thoroughly enjoyed taking pictures of flowers and cats. I started taking pictures of everything! Literally! I also started the selfie trend.... but we won't post those photos online.
       A few years later I was a sophomore in high school and I was chatting with a friend on Facebook (I was too socially awkward to do that kind of stuff in person). This friend and I share the mutual interest in photography and this friend proceeded to explain to me that I had no skill as a photographer.
      Okay dude.... let me remind you that I take pictures of flowers and cats and I could honestly care less what you think of my dinky photos! But, if you know me, when someone lights a match near me it starts a flame. So I decided that I was going to show this kid up!
       I recruited my beautiful friend Kendall, stole my mom's nice Canon Rebel, scouted out the perfect locations, and on a beautiful July afternoon in 2010 I shot my first photo shoot!
Not only did the pictures turn out great, but I had so much fun that I wanted to do more! I posted the photos on Facebook for my friends the hater to see and we blew up that Facebook news feed!

       Because it was so much fun I started asking other friends to let me take their pictures! After a while people started requesting my time and my talents (!!!!). My mom eventually convinced me that I was spending so much time on this new hobby that I needed to start charging people. I reluctantly asked $25 per photo shoot.
       5 years later I've done over 80 paid photo shoots and supported myself financially in the pursuit of a college education.

 

.

Kendall kept me around ;)

 

You can find more of my portfolio here.

       So when I started this book that told me that following my passion was a terrible idea, I was a bit offended. When I started taking pictures I had no marketable skill. In fact, now looking back at those photos that I was so proud of, I am a bit embarrassed.

       But the other day I read this article written by Mike Rowe; that one guy who does dirty jobs for a living. He tells a great story about an 8 minute timer and a pencil. You can read it here.
       The point that Mike is trying to make is that "a trillion dollars of student loans and a massive skills gap are precisely what happens to a society that actively promotes one form of education (or heeding the advice of following your passion) as the best course for the most people. I think the stigmas and stereotypes that keep so many people from pursuing a truly useful skill, begin with the mistaken belief that a four-year degree (or simply following a passion) is somehow superior to all other forms of learning".
       Reading further into the book I have learned that while pursing a career it is more important to focus on what you can offer the world rather than what the world can offer you.
       I am not quite so upset with the author anymore. Instead of feeling attacked about following my passion for photography, I feel endorsed for the fact that I worked hard to gain a skill. And at this point in my photography career I recognize that I still have a LOT of skill to learn. I feel like I am at a fork in the road. At only 21 years old I can choose to continue strengthening a skill in photography, or I can choose to pursue strengthening other skills. I am currently attending a business college and studying a social media marketing program; I love it! It is an unexpected discovery into a whole different field. Who knows, maybe I can do both!

     So I won't throw that book in the trash after all. If anyone is interested, you can find the book here.

Sometimes you just need to find a rock.

I lived in Heaven a long time ago
It is true.
Lived there
&
Loved there
with people I know such as you.
Then Heavenly Father presented
a beautiful plan
All about earth
&
Eternal Salvation for man.

Yesterday there was an amazing sunset!

And I found myself a rock and took it all in.
I sang primary songs and thought about God and his beautiful plan.

I'm amazed by the sky! Most summer nights you can most surly find me on the trampoline wrapped up in a blanket watching the stars. 

Sometimes I think God sends me sunsets to tell me that he is just right there. Right behind the clouds with all of his light and glory shining out for me to see. 

Just to remind me that He's there. 

Sometimes you just need to find a rock and watch the sunset to remember.